it's late in night

when was the last time since my last blog?  more than half year already i guess.  well just have the mood suddenly to blog something out tonight, maybe i was dealing with tons of stress especially from school works.  The thesis writing is killing me, but finally now i could get a gasp of breeze as everything had almost done.

tonight went to youth with such a happy and yet exciting mood, but came back with long face.. just through her sharing, i just realized that i had never be good enough to share her problems, reduce her stress as well as trying to comfort her when she's choked by tons of works.  It was such a break in heart when the words came out from her mouth, no one can understand the stress i facing, no one can help me to reduce my stress.  yeah everyone knows she's my girlfriend, so indirectly this will plant on people's mind that i'm such a bad boyfriend who did not care at all for her.  yeah, it was a big turn off for the exciting night, but i just have to calm myself down, after all it was my fault not to being good enough for her.

she's just too perfect in everyone's eyes, this had made me want to be a better man in order to be able to stand up in front of people beside her.  but this kind of feeling just started to giving me stress, it's not about what she can give me, is she's the girl that i'm looking for, but it is about what i'm capable of, what can i give her, what can i do more for her, i'm not a good boy and even with bad image in front of people, how people might think when i'm holding her hand? 

i always said, do not concern on what people think, just stick to the thing that we think is right, but deep inside my heart i do actually care about how people think about me.  i'm starting to feel uncomfortable to participate in church actitivities, where i start to think nonsense on how people sees me, she had found a good job, she's good helper in church, a very good girl in the eyes of the adults, but what are me?  this feeling i can tell nobody, it starts to choke me harder and harder each and every day..